The Meaning of Love

How to distinguish between love and emotional dependence

February 29th, 2008 | life | Posted by Shane Magee -

The word ‘love’ is perhaps one of the most casually used terms in the English language - so much so that it has become an umbrella term for a whole variety of very different emotions! There is one thing we all agree on - that love is what makes the world go round, and that without it, the world is but a dry empty shell of a place. On the other hand, it is a word we very easily twist around to our own purposes to justify our emotional dependence on a person. If we can learn to distinguish love from emotional dependence and put this distinction into practice, then we make life more beautiful not only for us, but for everyone we come into contact with.

1. Learn to love yourself first

Our remedies oft in ourselves do lie, which we ascribe to heaven.

~William Shakespeare

Often when we are emotionally dependent on someone, we are looking to them as a ‘filler’ to cover over and distract us from unresolved emotional issues in ourselves. In order to truly love someone, we first have to discover and explore what love is, and that means starting with the person you spend the most time with - yourself! We can often name our shortcomings far quicker than our positive qualities, and we are very quick to beat ourselves up for anything we didn’t do to our satisfaction. This all has to change. Try every day to identify your positive qualities and bring them more to the fore and increase them, and when you do make a mistake, try and see it as a ‘work-in-progress’ rather than an absolute failure. When your own self-love and self-respect increases, you are then able to approach relationships with others with much more equanimity.

2. Use the heart

There is no mistaking love. You feel it in your heart. It is the common fiber of life, the flame of that heats our soul, energizes our spirit and supplies passion to our lives. It is our connection to God and to each other.

- Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

Along with the word ‘love’, the word ‘heart’ is often dragged in to many conversations and used to describe all manner of behaviour good and bad. When we talk about the heart we mean the space in the middle of the chest we point to when we say ‘this is me’ - the place we feel the essence of our being more than anywhere else. It is also where most of our higher and nobler qualities emanate from - empathy, kindness and love.

Emotional attachment, on the other hand is a tangled up array of feelings from the mind and also from the emotional part of our being located closer to the navel. Because the sources of love and emotional attachment are located so lose together, they can and are often confused by the undiscerning person. However, setting aside some time each day for a practice of self-discovery and self-enquiry (e.g. meditation) will very quickly enable you to distinguish one from the other.

3. Don’t expect

“When your love is pure or spiritual, there is no demand, no expectation. There is only the sweetest feeling of spontaneous oneness with the human being or beings concerned.”

- Sri Chinmoy

Social anthropologists often describe many human relationships like a contract - we give our love to a person and at the same time we subconsciously place all kinds of expectations on that person which we want them to fulfill. And then when the other person fails to sufficiently satisfy our demands (which will definitely happen from time to time - we’re all imperfect) we feel let down and angry with the person, our insecurity and fear of not being loved come to the fore, and we often resort to some kind of emotional manipulation to try and get them to fulfill our demands.

True love, on the other hand is like the sun. The sun shines its rays and gives its warmth to all and sundry, without anything in return. This may sound like naivety to the calculating mind, but when we live in the heart we feel exactly like the sun does - we just want spread our love and goodwill anywhere we can. With this kind of love we have detachment - we have no fixed ideas about what way this love should be taken by others, the mere act of giving love satisfies our heart immensely.

4. Learn to let go

Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go.

- Hermann Hesse

Often we place mental restrictions on people we love, whether it be parents ‘living their dreams’ through their children, or someone ‘trapped’ in a relationship. True love means loving people for who they are, not trying to channel them into who you want them to be. The greatest service you can do to one whom you love is allow them to grow in to their soul’s highest potential - sometimes this will mean actively helping them, but other times this will mean recognising when you are standing in the way of that happening and getting out of the way!

5. The inner strength: patience and forgiveness

“Patience serves as a protection against wrong as clothes do against cold. For if you put on more clothes as the cold increases, it will have no power to hurt you.”

- Leonardo Da Vinci

To develop love, we also have develop forgiveness and patience. To forgive someone, it helps to see beyond their surface imperfections and appreciate the beauty that lies deep within. Love always goes hand in hand with this recognition of inner beauty inside a person, and when we can see this inner beauty in a person and appreciate it, we help bring that beauty to the fore and perhaps prevent whatever unfortunate thing that person might have done from occurring again.

This world of ours can seem like a downright unfair place at times, but developing this quality of love for everyone you meet allows you to rise above ‘the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune’ that people might throw at you and still keep your faith in humanity intact.

Baby Boy

Sayang.....

ni aku kirim email.

Aku kangen banget sebenernya e-mail2an. Well, I think bentar lagi, email will be the most mujarab way to exchange information between this husband and wife. hehehe.....

Yang, tadi waktu ngelonin g... ntah kenapa tiba-tiba aku pingin banget punya anak dari ayah, yang cakep kaya ayah tapi jangan item deh.... baby boy!!

Aku berharap segalanya berjalan dengan baik dan indah terutama untuk anak-anak. Aku sangat mencintaimu dan ingin membahagiakanmu. Aku berharap kita bisa segera bersatu. Tapi satu hal, aku juga ingin anak-anak dulu yang nomor 1. Aku rela berkorban demi mereka meski aku harus menahan semua hasrat dengan ayah.(hasratnya bukan hanya "itu" lho. more than that. Live in meaningful life)

Aku bangga ma ayah. You are driven to be a successful man, my hero....

Segini dulu ya yah, kasian L mau tidur. ntar curhat lagi.

Love u more than romeo and juliet

Gin S

Brand New Start

Soul : mama sayang sama ayah. And akan tetep sayang sama ayah. Forever
Soul : mama mau berusaha yang terbaik ayah
Mate : nggak mau say "Let's start again....bla...bla...."
Soul : lets step forward together
Soul : yeeeeeeeeeeee belum sls nulis dahh bret bret bret
Soul : i love you so much
Mate : sayang banget ayahhhhhh sama mama
Mate : i love u so much
Mate : cium buat anak2
Soul : apalagi mama
Soul : sayaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaang banget sm ayah
Mate : doa buat kita dan anak2 ya
Soul : iya
Soul : wis ya yah
Soul : bye
Mate : cium bibir mama dulu
Mate : mmuuaacchh
Soul : mmmuuuuach

Nggangguin

Ayah.......

kuarang ajarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.....mama kaget beneran tau!!!

Kalo malem2 mama udah jerirt trus ngga bisa tidur ketakutan kali. Ini tadi njerit tapi langsung sadar.

Yah, kemaen sore ayah nungguin anak2 belajar sambil duduk baca koran. Mama nyiapin susu buat anak2. Biasa abis belajar kan main2 bentar minum susu, gosok gigi trus bobo. Ayah juga yang ngelonin. Abis bikin susu mama langsung loncat ke pangkuan ayah, tangan ayah mama tarik ke paha mama biar dirangkul gitu heheh. mama pake rok terusan, not a daster, tipis warna item bunga2 putih kecil2. Mama cium ayah, trus ayah elus2 deh paha mama, koran ditaruh diatas kursi sebelah ayah tapi terus aja baca koran trus ayah belai mama tapi lurus gak ada napsunya sama sekali, tapi ayah belai2 sampe ke pantat juga and ayah sadar koq ngga ada penghalang ya.......ternyata mama ngga pake celana.....ayah langsung tutup korannya mau peluk mama erat, mau ngasih kode tapi mama langsung lariiiii......hehehheehe....liat muka ayah muangkel seneng mama gangguin ayah weeeekkkk.......

Eeeee....pas lari bel rumah bunyi ada tamu. Mama bukain ternyata Wijaya. Wis ayah ngobrol tu sama wijaya. tau aja kalo tamunya dia pasti lama ngga tau waktu. Mama deh jadi peran pengganti nungguin anak2 sampe sls belajar trus ngelonin mereka. Abis anak2 pada bobo, mama langsung ke kamar sandaran bantal sambil baca buku, nungguin ayah sih ceritanya. Tapi ayah tau kaaaaaaaaaaannnn kalo udah sama bapak yang satu itu sampe malem. Mama ketiduran.

Besok paginya mama bangun buku udah dirapiin dimeja samping, bantalnya direbahin, mama udah selimutan.

MMmmmm......ayah pasti tadi malem cium mama juga penuh kasih sayang....tau deh dipikiran ayah apa waktu itu.....

cab be:

1. tuuuu....makanya kalo ngggaguin orang akibatnya rugi sendiri kan???? or

2. mmmm.......lewat deh semalem, harusnya kan dapet special edition!!, or

3. kasian mama, nungguin ayah sampe ketiduran, or

4. sorry sayang....tapi itu kan our business.....yang bikin our dream come true juga or

5. ugh...tidur nggak aturan. mbok yang bener to ma.......ayah capek or

6....or

7.....tau deh apa yang pikir dan rasaain saat itu.

Yang jelas besok paginya mama bangun udah tidur nyaman, gantian mama benerin selimut ayah mama cium dengan sayaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaang banget.

Jadi deh hari itu mama yang anter anak2 ke sekolah.

I love u RS

I love u ayah

i love u darling

GS